Bodyguard
by Unjax
Summary: Weiss and Mercury meet at a high society function. Mercury then signs on to be Weiss' bodyguard. What could possible come from the arrogant mercenary and the holier than thou heiress in close vicinity? Mostly horrible highjinks and mutually destructive insults. T for them innuendos.


High society functions, Weiss Schnee decided, were so _drab_.

The sheep milled about, laughing and giggling at jokes that held no humor. They discussed _important_ things like money, lien, and the size of their bank accounts. Of course, it would be tactless to do so openly, but the flashing of jewels, the straightening of lapels on jackets that were worth more than an entire faunus neighborhood… Well she had seen it before, and she was no less impressed.

So, she had adopted a strategy that Ruby referred to as the _punchbowl play_. What she hadn't realized at the time, of course, was that this punch had a bit more of a burn to it than the one that had been at the Beacon dance.

And so she stood there, feeling a progressively increasing buzz in her fingertips. It was not unpleasant, unlike the social.

Until, that is, she noticed the only interesting thing there. A man, about a head taller than her, slim but wiry, in a dark suit that contrasted with his silver hair. He looked equally as bored as she, leaning against a pillar with one foot kicked up against it. Weiss could have sworn that she knew him from somewhere.

Curious, Weiss started her way towards him. The heels offered no problem, but the long, tight dress she wore was quite confining. She cursed it mentally as she tried to keep her composure.

He saw her coming at the last second, raised an eyebrow, then found an interest in his finely manicured nails. That irritated her. She was a _Schnee_ , how could he find his hand more interesting?

He did have nice hands, though.

"If there were another student that had been invited, I'm sure I would have been notified." Weiss thought out loud. He raised an eyebrow.

"And who said I was invited?"

Weiss' mouth bobbed like a fish. "Why- who do you-? Then what do you think you're doing here?"

He raised the hand he hadn't been admiring and swirled a glass of golden champagne. "Free booze."

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking?" Weiss spat. He cocked his eyebrow again, a tendency that she usually found annoying. The smirk that accompanied it killed that inclination.

"Aren't you a little loaded to lip off about it?" Weiss blushed furiously. He chuckled. "I could smell you before I saw you."

"Funny," she snapped, "I thought you were too busy admiring your _fingertips_ to be noticing us mere mortals."

"I mean," He splayed his hand in front of her. "Are they not magical hands?" Later, she would find herself in profuse agreement with the statement for wholly unrelated reasons.

"Please, they're… are they covered in silver?"

"What can I say? My charisma just makes me shine." But he shoved the exposed hand back into his pocket.

"You're about as charismatic as a chair." Weiss huffed, crossing her arms and leaning against the pillar beside him.

"Hey, don't diss chairs. You use them to sit all the time, and do they ever complain? About as ungrateful as I'd expect of a Schnee."

"Chairs aren't people. They don't have feelings."

"Well, now you're just being racist." He cocked his head and took a sip. Weiss grabbed some champagne from a passing waitress. "Also to be expected of a Schnee, I suppose."

Her ears glowed red. "I'm surprised someone as abrasive as you hasn't been thrown out by now." She thought for a second. "You know, I could arrange that."

"Just be proving my point. But, if you want me to leave." For the first time, he leaned off the pillar and turned to her. "I'd be happy to step outside with you. Unless you'd prefer the company of stuffy bureaucrats?"

Weiss looked around and caught the sight of one Henry Marigold, who had just noticed her. She quickly slid her free hand through his arm. "Start walking," she commanded.

"As you wish," he gave her a quarter bow.

The fresh air on the terrace was pleasant, compared to the hot air being spewed by the socialites, and helped to clear her head a bit. Hastily shutting the doors behind them, Weiss turned to see him pull out a thin rectangular tin, wherein there was a number of skinny cigarillos.

"Guess you're not the only cheap, noxious thing here." She murmured. He caught it and shrugged.

"Gotta give you an excuse not to throw yourself at me."

"As if." She made her way to the railing and looked over the city. Orange lights lined the network of streets while the blue of the moon blanketed the tops of the buildings and reflected off the windows which had gone dark.

"I mean, you ran off with me after knowing me for about two minutes. What else might you do?" He pulled out a silver lighter and flicked the flint, catching a fire in a single stroke.

"Don't flatter yourself, you're barely more tolerable than that snob fest, and that's the only reason I'm out here."

He sauntered over to lean against the railing beside her, letting out a puff of smoke.

"And because I'm so charming." He reminded her.

She rolled her eyes.

"So, you seem to know who I am, and yet I know not a thing about you."

"Other than that I'm charming."

"Or annoying. You say tit, I say tat."

"I'd never use such vulgar language in the presence of a princess."

"Since you're too dull to understand, that was me asking who you are."

"An international man of mystery," he proclaimed.

"And does this international man of mystery have a name?"

"He wouldn't be very mysterious if he did, now would he?"

She sighed and extended her hand. "Weiss Schnee, and you are?"

He took it, but rather than shaking it as she'd expected, he raised it to his lips and kissed the back of her hand. "Mercury Black," His lips were soft, and his dark eyes never left hers as he went through the motion. "Happy to meet you."

"That makes one of us." She said curtly. She turned away, habitually fixing the strands of hair that had fallen out of place.

"With the tournament so close, I figured you'd be working on your form." He leaned back against the railing. "I'm sure you could use it."

"I can handle myself just fine." She sneered.

"Oh yes," he raised his hands in mock defence. "Your dress is _so_ menacing."

She rolled her eyes. "Obviously I wouldn't be wearing this in the tournament."

"Oh yes," he repeated tauntingly, "but you never know what can happen. A Schnee like you... What happens if the White Fang figures this is an opportune time to attack?"

Weiss swirled her fingers nonchalantly. Two glyphs appeared, one binding his arms to the railing and another his feet to the floor.

He just raised an eyebrow as she stalked in front of him. "Never had a girl pin me down on the first date before." His grin was enough to invoke a slap. "Oh, she likes it _rough_."

She considered slapping him again, but was concerned with him taking the opportunity for another vile comment.

"Beg for your release, and I'll let you go." Her voice froze into ice, her eyes no more than a few inches from his own.

Instead he leaned in. "Maybe I like being this close to you."

Weiss blinked. Lost focus at the same time she lost hold of one of his arms. Faster than she could blink, he grabbed her free arm and twirled her around before clutching her waist and pinning it behind his hip. They stood, side by side, each locked by the other.

"Stalemate, princess." He gave her another grin, the flush in his cheek fading as his aura went to work repairing the damage her slap had done. His nose was right next to hers, his eyes intense and close. "On the count of three?"

Weiss considered not agreeing out of spite. But the longer they stood there, the more likely someone was to notice, and for all it looked, they may have been two teenagers fraternizing. That was hardly suitable.

Swallowing her pride, Weiss nodded. He counted down, and when he reached zero neither of them moved.

"So you're not stupid," he mused. "But I'm sure this is quite unseemly for a Schnee. Let me go, and I'll do the same. Huntsman's honour." She didn't like the way the last two words dripped with sarcasm.

"You're hardly a Huntsman, and why would I trust you now?" She turned away from him, finally breaking their eye contact. One of her arms was still free, and while some of her champagne had spilled, she decided now was as good a time as any to take a sip.

"Because, princess," he drawled, "sometimes you've gotta have faith. And while your glyphs probably take a lot of energy, I can hold a woman for days." She wasn't looking, but she was sure he winked then.

For the second time in too few seconds, Weiss let go of her pride and the glyphs at the same time.

His grip loosened, but he didn't fully let her go. She gave him a stern _ahem_ and his arm finally slid away as he kicked himself up onto the railing. Her back felt a chill where his arm had been.

"My absence will have been noted." She murmured, half to herself.

"Guess you gotta get going, then." He raised his glass as if he were toasting something. "Been a pleasure, my pretty princess."

"You're not coming?" Imagining the crowds of _hellos_ , _how nices,_ and _oh that's_ so _interestings_ , she couldn't help but feel a nagging sense of disappointment.

He shrugged. "Sneaking in twice is beneath me."

"I get the feeling very little is beneath you."

"Someday, if you're lucky, you might-" She held up her hand and cut him off.

"Despite your vulgarity, tonight's been…" She thought for a moment. "A change of pace. Don't ruin it utterly for me."

"As you wish." He smirked, finished his drink, and fell backwards off the railing. Weiss gasped and ran to the edge, but as she looked over, she saw nothing.

Blinking twice, and wondering if she had had too much to drink, she turned back to the party, straightened her dress, and fixed her hair. Taking a deep breath, Weiss entered the function once more.

* * *

A knock on the door caused Weiss to frown. Ruby and Yang were out sparring. Blake was reading. They all had scrolls to unlock the door, anyway.

It was too late for social calls from any of the other teams, which left only one option: a dreadful option. It was an option that she currently had neither the time nor patience to handle. So, by the time she opened the door, she was already speaking.

"To abbreviate this interaction, Jaune, I'm going to say no, no, yes, no; corresponding to the questions _will you go out with me, are you sure, is it because I'm an idiot,_ and _how about a friendly coffee?_ "

But, the person standing in front of her was not Jaune Arc, who, in all fairness, had not asked her out in quite some time. It was someone much worse.

"I'm going to have to append you to my list of stalkers," she mused as Mercury Black raised an eyebrow at her.

"I think that's going to become a complication in the near future."

"Because this is the last time I'm going to see your face?"

"More like it would be disingenuous."

Weiss rolled her eyes. "And why could that possibly be?"

"Well, for one," he said as he held up a finger, "stalkers are people that harass you unwantedly, and we all know you want me in your life."

"Do we? Because I feel like only _one_ of us wants to spend time together, and it's not me."

"Secondly," he continued, flicking up a second finger, "I'm contractually obligated to spend time in your admittedly charming presence." His voice was practically dripping with sarcasm.

"Excuse me? I am absolutely pleasant to spend time with, unlike _some_ people."

"Y'know princess? If you were talking to someone else without my shining confidence, they might be offended by that, making your company significantly less _pleasant_."

She made to shut the door. He stuck his foot in the frame. She slammed it harder than she was going to.

She expected a yelp, and hoped for a scream.

She got a cocked head and folded arms instead.

Perplexed, she slammed the door again. He sighed.

"Have you ever heard the definition of insanity?" He drawled. She blinked at him. "It's trying the same thing over and over, expecting different results."

To be sure, she slammed his foot one more time. He rolled his eyes as he muttered something about the _crazy ones_ , and hiked his pants up a bit. "Steel boots. We could spend all day here with you slamming the door against my foot, and you would be no closer to denting it. Not that it wouldn't be fun… I just don't want my new charge to break her door my first day on the job. It would make my life considerably more difficult if any floozy could trounce in here."

Weiss frowned. Something about what he had said just didn't make sense.

"Charge?"

He undid a zipper on a pocket over his chest, reached in, and flicked out a paper that folded down. "I, Mercury Black, have officially been employed by the Schnee Dust Company to act as bodyguard and protector to one Weiss Schnee," he intoned. "Sorry, princess, but you're stuck with me."

Weiss did her best impression of a fish for a few seconds. Then, she blinked a few times, and then she smiled.

"No," she said simply.

"No?"

"No,"

He looked at the paper and then back at her. "Are you going through the seven stages of grieving about me becoming your bodyguard?"

"You're not my bodyguard," she said. "If you were, then you'd be under my employ, which means that I can fire you anytime I like. So, thank you for your non-existent service. I wish you much ill in your life, and will be glad to never see you again."

She went to close the door. His foot was still in the way.

She sighed.

"Would you go already? I'm sorry you've been deprived the opportunity of spending each day by my side. Many a man has felt the same pain and many more will. Go tell your sob story to your friends, and get out of my face."

"No can do." He held up the paper again. "Employed by the SDC princess. Your father, not you, is paying me. Now, while I could go kick my feet up and watch some TV, if you ended up dying, and I have no doubt you would were you to get into trouble, I would be excessively irritated and out of a job."

Her shoulders collapsed. "What did I do to deserve this?" she murmured.

"Hey, I'm not so bad."

"Please, if I were to be kind, I'd call you the Crown Prince of Arrogance…" Her face fell into her hand. "Maybe I shouldn't have called Ruby fat when she ate all of those cookies. This has to be karma."

"Look," he said, "I'm sure that once you get to spend time with me, you'll come around. I'm really quite fun."

She glared at him. "You're about as fun as castration, something I'm inclined to give you."

"Guess we've hit anger," he whispered to himself. Weiss' ears flushed red.

"I am not grieving!" she shouted.

"Proving my point, princess."

"I hate you."

He shrugged. "You won't for long."

"What if I promise to never die, and you promise to never come near me again?"

"No dice," Mercury grinned. "We're going to be thick as thieves. Face it princess, this is the newest chapter of your life, starring me, Mercury Black!"

"I want a new life." She moped.

"Great! You're at depression, which means from now on, it's all about reconstruction and hope. Let's work through this together."

She sighed. "I'll see you in the morning." Her voice could not have been more hollow.

He pursed his lips. "Well, see, the thing is…" And looked to the side. A pit forming in her stomach, Weiss looked around the corner of the door.

There was a cot there, folded in two, propped against the wall. Weiss' eyes bugged.

Then she smiled. Maybe there was hope.

"You're my bodyguard, right?"

Mercury nodded.

"Which means you should be protecting me from dangers before they get to me, right?"

"Uh… sure?"

"So you should probably sleep outside," she said sweetly. In an instant, she'd summoned a glyph, and in the next he'd been launched against the opposite wall. He'd barely hit the floor when she slammed the door shut and locked it.

With a happy smile, Weiss went back to her homework, and refused to answer Ruby when asked why there was a boy laying on a bed outside of their door, playing games on his scroll.

* * *

 _A/N_

 _The fuck is this even? For any of you complaining about this absurdity blame NightsWatch over on reddit. He broke all the 'just one more chapter's and the 'please sir, can I have some more?'_

 _Guess I'm cold feet trash now. I'll admit, the two snarkiest characters in the show in a relationship seems like a prime recipe for dysfunction and mania. I'm a little excited, and since I've been trash at writing anything serious lately, figured I'd write some trash to pass the time._

 _Cheers,_

' _Jax_


End file.
